What do I think God meant?

by Rumour Miller on July 12, 2005

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Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning
but extremely insensitive advice.
“Just relax and you’ll get pregnant,” or
“adopt and you’ll get pregnant,”
And the most painful,
“Maybe God never meant for you to have children.”

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking
treatment for cancer and say,
“Maybe God never meant for you to live.”
But because we are infertile, we are supposed to get on with our life.
It is hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is,
a disease for which we have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims,
“God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, or die.”
What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who would believe that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, and love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

God did not mean that we should not have children.
That is not our destiny. It is just a fork in the road that we are traveling on.
We have been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, we are better people for it. God meant for us to develop more compassion, deeper
courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution.
We have not let him down.

God has singled us out for a special treatment. God meant for us to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in our arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink we have ever known.

We would never choose infertility.
But we believe that a fertile couple could never know the joy that awaits us.
Yes, one way or another, we will have a baby of our own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say,

“Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed us infertility.
I already know.”

*Note: I cannot take credit as author of the above. I found it on a message board. I think there is truth written in those words. I changed some of the wording, like “I” to “We” because infertility affects both partners equally.

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Karen July 12, 2005 at 7:38 pm

infertility is so complicated but thankfully the medical community is searching and finding answers to help couples fighting this battle.
just knowing that must help so many to have hope that one day they and so many others will get the “longest, coolest, most refreshing drink they have ever known.”
your children will be so lucky and loved by you both.


BonnyT July 13, 2005 at 6:57 am

I think the problem is that people truly don’t know what they CAN say, you know?

What a powerful message.

Rumour Miller July 13, 2005 at 10:24 am

I agree with you both. This is my way of helping people to know about infertility and about how much it hurts those affected by it. I can’t help but wonder if our destiny was to provide a home to a child who “needs” one. I worked with an adoption licensee in Ontario for almost 2 years. Of course, having no idea that it would come full circle. My husband is ready yet. To consider adoption or foster care. We have so many options left to exhaust.

Thank you both for your words and your wisdom.

Your Fairy Godmother July 13, 2005 at 10:39 am

Darling, you have the right attitude and I am so proud of you.

As to whether you’ll adopt or have your own biological children, I cannot say. Only God knows.

But I can tell you this much. You will be a precious mother. I know you, and I know your heart.

You have never lost The Magic.

lightfeather July 16, 2005 at 6:39 pm

I have enjoyed your blog. I am the parent of a beautiful baby girl who is now my 18 year old baby. I grew her in my heart far longer than most grow in a womb. I listened to all of those folks too. Heard the inane comments. Prayed for answers. Within 10 months start to finish from the lessons, the case study, the birth, our gift from God arrived. She is my gift and I know I am blessed.

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