2005 in Review

by Rumour Miller on December 30, 2005

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So many things to look back upon. So much to remember or forget. Depending on how you look at it. I’m sitting here staring at the computer screen trying to think of the words to sum up 2005. I can’t. It just isn’t that easy.

I don’t know if I really believed that The Rumour Mill would consist of pregnancy related posts, pictures and stories. I do know that I had really hoped that it would. After our last appointment at the Fertility Clinic and before POAS, Craig and I discussed our next step and had decided that we would go straight to INVITRO FERTILIZATION if we were not pregnant by Christmas. I was okay with that. For that brief hour or so, I felt good about our plan and maybe it was because somewhere deep down inside I knew we wouldn’t have to wait that long. It just can’t be explained any more than that or any clearer. If infertility is one thing, it is unclear. But for the first time since we started trying I felt peaceful about it.

I guess Craig and I have “survived infertility” or overcome it, there are many different ways to look at it. I do not know how to describe it but I do know that we will never forget it. The tests, the tears, the trying and trying and trying, the let downs, the negative pregnancy test after negative after negative… the hope and then finally the positive. The confirmation that we were going to have a baby.

The death of my cousin, Tim, in January 2005. Again, words fail me. He was his own person and I can honestly say that I have never met anyone that even comes close to being like him. At the risk of sounding sappy or insincere, he really was the best there ever was. Always there to lend a hand, a shoulder or share a joke. I miss him. He was so close to my parents and I picture this as being what it must have been like when my parents lost their son Craig. The pain, the grief, the mourning. Most importantly though, despite differences, my parents have wonderful friends and family. It seems that the only times we gather together is at weddings and funerals. Standing in my Aunt’s kitchen watching everyone together I am reminded about what it is I like about having a big family. Watching the next generation arrive and knowing that soon Craig and I will be adding to that generation.

On the other side of the family spectrum. I lost my last surviving grandparent this year. I know this sounds tragic and dramatic and you are thinking, “My God, Drama Queen.” But I really feel that it is true. It is a loss worse than death. How can I say that? It’s simple. We don’t choose death and we would never choose death to separate us from our loved ones, our family and our friends. This loss was choosen and after 10 months, I am accepting it. She has taken me and my husband and our future children out of her life. Off of her speed dial. This she has choosen and I despaired over it, stewed on it for months. I cannot continue to do this because each new rejection breaks my heart all over again. My only wish, and I can say this with all honesty, is that she mends fences with my dad. He has done nothing to warrant any rejection from her that is except for caring about me. Wanting his family to be okay.

I don’t know if a relationship between us can be salvaged. Time does not mend fences and heal all hurts. In this case, time is our enemy. The more time that goes by the harder it becomes to forgive, forget and just plain feel comfortable in that persons presence.

Craig and I took our best damn camping trip ever. There are many reasons for making this our best camping trip ever. We sat alone with no television, no radio, and no internet connection for a week. Just him and I and our beautiful black lab. We needed nothing more, wanted nothing more and still the week went by far too fast.

All in all 2005 was a good year. I learned alot about myself, about Craig and about the people in our lives. Learning, sometimes the hard way, when to keep trying and when to just let it go. This is a lesson, I suspect that we will continue to learn over and over again.

I am looking forward to ringing in 2006 and continuing with my blog and looking forward to reading all of yours. So many things to wish to you for the new year, but all I can say is that I wish you all ENOUGH…

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.”
– Bob Perks

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mom December 31, 2005 at 5:04 pm

best blog ever.. best wishes anyone could make for family and friends for the new year. so wonderfull to have 2 great daughters like I have and the best ever son in law… could never wish for more I love my family..

Sweet Soul December 31, 2005 at 8:49 pm

HAPPY NEW YEAR MILLER FAMDAMILY! Love yas muchly. All the best in 2006!

onewise___woman January 1, 2006 at 12:00 am

all our best wishes for

dreamer January 1, 2006 at 8:34 am

happy new year nicole,craig and baby pea.wishing you all the best in 2006

Karen January 2, 2006 at 8:46 am

sending much joy, love and new beginnings as you start 2006 with the anticipation of your dear baby’s arrival 🙂

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