2006 in Review

by Rumour Miller on December 31, 2006

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2006 in Review

I realize that I am starting to sound like a broken record but I was certain that it really wasn’t that long ago I was writing my 2005 Year in Review. Is it possible that an entire effing year has passed us all by? It went so fast, didn’t it? I feel like I could have been standing still. Even though we all know I was not.

I guess it is official. The Rumour Mill is now a “Mommy Blog.” An “Infertile Mommy Blog”. I can’t help but wonder how many people I bore the shit out of. Having said that, I don’t really care, because I wear this “Infertile Mommy” badge with honour and pride. It has a few tear stains but it has become a significant part of who I am.

As I sit here preparing my In Review post, I am overcome with so many emotions. Two years ago we were knee deep in the shit of Infertility and fighting our way up or out. Spending the holidays with dreams in our hearts that one day we would have a child to share all this magic with. Last year, at this time, we were at the peak of Pregnancy Mountain and standing there in awe of the beauty that lay before us. This has been the most humbling year of my life.

Somewhere along the way I was embraced by a wonderful community in the blogosphere. I don’t know how or when exactly but a group of men and women (okay Smarshy is the only man I can think of right now, but give me time) who have experienced/are experiencing infertility. And a few who haven’t, but just write damn good blogs! A group who opened their arms to this newbie and welcomed her on in. I treasure you all. I love reading your blogs. I love checking up on all of you. I enjoy the camaraderie that we have established on the world wide web. When you celebrate, I celebrate. When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you vent, I am right there with you. It’s hard to believe that I can feel so close to people that I have never met. People that I will likely never meet. But I do. Even Craig knows who I am talking about when I refer to your most recent post, news, joy or despair. I am so thankful for you all.

In January, I wrote a blog letter to Craig and in it I said the following ….”So Baby, I cannot wait to share the next step of our Amazing Race… the dirty diapers, the late night feedings, the crying, but also the giggles, the laughter and the cuddles. This is what our life was meant to be.” I meant it with all my heart and when that pregnancy ended we wrapped ourselves up in each other and we grieved. When we finally conceived again in July, I meant it all over again. From the tips of the toes I could no longer see to the top of my head. I still mean it today. This truly is what our life was meant to be. My family is my life and I want for nothing. (Okay not entirely true, I want to add to my family).

It will be two years since my cousin Tim passed away…. and not a day goes by that I do think about him, not a single day. But I feel him with us. I really do. He is living on in our hearts.

In February, I reduced my work hours at my Baby Dr.’s request and was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. Craig and I knew, deep down, that I would not escape the dreaded GD…but the further along I made it in my pregnancy the more optimistic I became. Damn you dreaded sweet tooth!! Damn you!

In March, Our beautiful daughter, Piper Leigh, made her appearance 4 weeks early and catching us completely off guard. I must admit, that I was not ready for Piper to arrive because I was not ready to give up my pregnancy. I had a hard time with that for quite some time after her birth. I still feel phantom kicks and I continue to have vivid dreams of a very pregnant me. I hope that is a good sign of wonderful things to come. I have placed Piper’s birth experience in the not ideal category. Even to this day, I have an overwhelming desire to talk about that day, my experience and Craig’s experience. I still lie in bed at night thinking about it and sometimes I still cry. As joyous as her birth was and is, I still have lingering sadness from how it all played out. When our second, third and fourth children are born (a girl can dream) I plan to have the camera snapping and video recording nonfreakingstop! I have realized just how invaluable this blog has been to me. When I feel like I need to hear the story, I just come here and read it out loud. This has been very therapeutic for me.

It is humbling becoming a parent. I do not know why Piper choose us to be her parents but she did. She choose us and for that I am thankful. The first two weeks after Piper came home I had the baby blues or more accurately, I had anxiety. It was during the first week that Craig, Piper and I sat in Dr. Sandy’s (from grease) office and she said to me… “You are going to be okay. I am going to give you something for your anxiety because this is a big change for you regardless of how much you wanted it.” She knew me so well. Then Craig called my Mom because I really needed her there… and she came. She dropped everything and she came. When she was there, I felt normal. Like, man I can do this. When she started packing her bag to go home, I had an anxiety attack. She sat down on the couch beside me and told me how well I was doing, how great Piper was doing and how wonderful Craig was. That we were going to be fine. I knew she was right.

Then as quickly as the anxiety appeared, it was gone. It felt like it happened over night. I don’t know if it really was that fast, but it certainly was not more than a few days. I stopped taking the medication and I felt good. Craig, Piper and I enjoyed one last week alone before his Mother arrived in April.

In April, I spent two weeks (alone) with my Mother-in-law. Never before had I spent any significant amount of time alone with her. I was a little nervous. Okay, I admit it… I was down right scared. I mean, what if we really were that different from each other and didn’t get along. What if we decided that we really did not like each other? Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. My mother in law is a wonderful lady. She and my father in law raised the best husband that a woman could ask for.

So it really is no wonder that, with all this excitement, my 30th birthday did not faze me like I had been anticipating it would. In fact, aside from the two friends we had invited over to share some cake, my 30th birthday really passed me by almost unnoticed. It must have been the sleep deprivation and the Mommy high I was riding.

By the time May rolled around, I was starting to feel like an honest to goodness Mommy. Not an imposter… I. Had. A baby. She is mine. This cute little girl with the pudgy thighs is my baby. I was really starting to get my Mommy groove on and I was feeling good.

June brought with it Craig’s first father’s day. He is an amazing father. I never doubted that he would be. Craig worked his arse off in June and to help ease his burden at work and fatigue at home, Piper and I spent our first week without him at my parents. I missed the shit outta him! I hate spending time away from him.

Nothing seems to stay calm for long at The Rumour Mill headquarters. In July, Craig parted ways with Maple Leaf and after realizing that there were no opportunities that met Craig’s career aspirations, we made the difficult decision to relocate. This was the type of decision that could make or break a marriage. I loved my job. I loved my boss, the staff and the firm. I was just around the corner from a big job opportunity. I earned a very good income and I fully intended returning to work there. I needed to be supportive of Craig as he has been of me since the first day that we met. As difficult as that decision was to make, it was also the easiest. I choose Craig. First. Over anything. When the decision is Craig, it becomes an easy decision. Our marriage is our number one priority. So we moved. Settled in a small community that we lovingly refer to as “Pleasantville”. There are children running and playing, play structures, pools and bikes in yards as far as the eye can see. Which is pretty damn far on the prairies. Seriously, you can let your dog outside and watch him run for miles.

The fall was a whirl wind of activity in our life. Settling into our new home, taking Piper swimming and starting Kindermusik with her. Craig has been really enjoying his new job, his co-workers and his employer. He makes me so proud. I love our new location, we are 3.5 hours closer to my parents’ home. That makes life that much easier. I miss my friends and co-workers and I worry about the next job that I step into. Will it bring me enough satisfaction to make that time away from Piper worth it? Those are some big shoes to fill. Nothing will measure up to being at home with Piper.

Our first Christmas with a child. With Piper. My heart is so full. Christmas is once again about babies, children and toys. Playing with new toys all day long and being together. Our family. I just want to put life on pause and take this all in forever. When we are in the middle of joy and love it is hard to believe that our life is only going to get better. How can it get better than this? But it can and I know it will. The best years of my life are happening right now.

I ring in 2007 with a renewed faith. We will start trying to conceive baby number two sometime this year and I feel optimistic and hopeful. Not naïve… I know that this could be another long haul, but right now, I just feel giddy with excitement. I am hopeful that we will just throw caution to the wind and stumble upon a big fat positive pregnancy test.

Sigh… A girl can dream.

My wishes for 2007 are

That your best moments of 2006 are your worst moments of 2007.
Prosperity, love and health to all of you.
Children for those whose hearts are longing for them.
Peace for those whose hearts are hurting.
Love and companionship for the lonely.
Hope for the despairing.
Understanding for all.

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Just another Jenny January 2, 2007 at 1:57 pm

When I read this I think “this is going to be me a year from now”. I am happy to hear that you had a great Christmas – baby’s first has got to be the best. I hope that 07 brings you that BFP to join Piper in your happy house.

Piccinigirl January 2, 2007 at 2:01 pm

oh wow, I had tears in my eyes. What a beautiful “letter” to yourself for a year that had lots of good moments. I hope that 2007 brings you that BFP and you can start “Mommy” all over again.

Happy New Year

Rumour Miller January 2, 2007 at 5:13 pm

Happy New Year, indeed. And to you both.

Anonymous January 2, 2007 at 5:21 pm

I really enjoyed reading this post.

I really have to tell you though, baby’s first christmas is NOT the best. The SECOND is MUCH more fun.

Reading your post reminded me alot of how M felt early in her pregnancy, the anxiety, the relief, the sadness, the joy, all at the same time. Women. Sheesh.

Hey, we took buggins to kindermusik too! I even went with her once, until that Jackass teacher made me sing an f’ing SOLO! WTF? I never went back.

Happy new year.

Lora January 4, 2007 at 10:29 am

Okay, your posts always make me cry! I’m glad that the past year was good to you and that you realized your dream of being a Mommy. Piper is such a beautiful girl and she is so blessed to have you as a mother and Craig as a father. I hope that 2007 brings you all the wonderful things your heart desires (BFP)and that Piper continues to grow and blossom in the light of your love. Happy New Year!

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