Three is the new four…
Yes it is true…
I am in my 7th week of my 5th pregnancy and, if all goes well, mostly likely my last. This is a bittersweet time for me. Sweet for the very obvious reasons, and bitter because I am already mourning the fact that this will most likely be my last pregnancy. I will never again experience the joy and the addiction of peeing on sticks and waiting for the “holy grail” of infertility to appear. That gorgeous positive test. And gorgeous it is. Every time I see it.
Craig, of course, could care less. About the peeing on sticks that is. One is more than enough in his eyes and any more than that is just a waste of money. For me. Well. It’s my very own brand of heroine, I guess (ala Twilight). I love peeing on sticks. And, since I am still being honest I have already peed on about 20 of them this pregnancy and will probably pee on a few more. You know, just to get it out of my system. That’s just how I roll.
We have discussed this, time and time again. We are certain that three children will be more than enough to fill our hearts and our home. Not to mention steal what is left of my sanity.
This time five years ago, we were deep in the trenches of Infertility, wondering if we would ever climb our way out. A journey that had started six years ago. Four years ago, we were expecting Sweet Pea and two years ago we suffered a miscarriage and then conceived Boo. Some days it feels like a lifetime and others it feels like only yesterday.
I can say one thing though… I am ready to move on. I am ready to close the doors of infertility forever and know that we came out ahead (or as Piper would say, “We winned”). And win we did.
I almost don’t even feel like an Infertile anymore… and I wondered for many years if that would ever be possible. It IS possible, at least for me it is. And this makes me feel… normal in the fertile sense of the word. I did not get to start my family “on my own terms” but I am completing my family on my own terms and that gives me some satisfaction and some closure.
We are ending our childbearing years at three. When I have always discussed wanting four (although it was never agreed upon). If I am being truthful, I can’t really say that my heart was always set on four. I mean, what the heck did I know about parenting one. Or two. Or three. Let alone four! I think that if things were ideal then four would be a nice round number but this is real life and, now, three is my new four.
Or maybe all along it always was. Maybe, I just always said I wanted four because it scared Craig so much… and then I started to feel it and believe it. Who really knows anymore. It really doesn’t matter so much. We are happy. That is all that matters. That is all that ever mattered. We are happy.