The ups and downs of knowing

by Rumour Miller on November 20, 2009

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That we are three and done!

I am still certain that three is our magic number but every so often, I find myself really teary eyed or nostalgic about it… and we are still pregnant with our third.
I really am looking forward to enjoying one more baby and then moving on to toddler hood for the last time… but it still makes me sad. Knowing this is the.last.time. The last time that I will have a swollen belly. The last time that I will feel kicks just between baby and me. The last time that I will hear my babies heart beating in my belly. The last time that I will ever be pregnant.
I guess I am finding that just a little difficult to digest. I know I will have many other things to keep me busy (namely three gorgeous Divas) in the next few years. But just like I get teary eyed thinking about my babies growing up and moving away to school, and just like I get teary eyed thinking about them on their wedding days…. I get teary eyed at the thought of closing this chapter in our life. Even though I know that this chapter is coming to an end and must come to an end, it’s a little difficult to let all of it go.
Our journey to parenthood will have taken us 7 years, from start to finish. This is a long chapter for me to digest. Even though I know that we will be happy with three, it’s just a bit hard to let it all go.
Even though I am looking forward to the end of the diaper stage and I keep hoping that we will all sleep through the night. It’s just a bit hard to let it all go.
It’s just a bit hard to let it all go.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Piccinigirl November 20, 2009 at 3:02 pm

You always say things so frankly and beautifully…I know it's hard. I know that you might always wonder and wish for the other "what if" but you'll also have a great big family of beautiful girls to keep the drama alive and the memories coming.

sending HUGS…for all those things are are..and the things that are still "ifs" 🙂

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Rumour Miller November 21, 2009 at 3:31 pm

I guess it is just hard to imagine my life without trying to conceive and finally having that all behind us… it's hard to see the future without it, when the past 7 years is FULL of it.

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Pauline November 21, 2009 at 10:25 pm

I saw previously your dream of four children….you mentioned something about pushing your luck or something along those lines. If you can not say that you are definately not having anymore children, and your heart is full with the children you have, then I do not believe you are at peace with your decision. I respect your decision because of the difficulties I have seen you go through however ….I wonder if it is really what you want. Sometimes I feel that on your blog is sounds as if you are trying to talk yourself out of the thought of having #4 is that because of everything you have gone through and you have had enough of the emotional highs and lows? Are you scared? Or are you afraid of wanting something for fear you would get it and then have the infertility seem unimportant or that it didn't actually exist because of the fact you got the # of children you wanted? Because infertility has made you who you are today and the type of mother you are. As harsh as this may sound it happened to you because you could handle it. I have faith in you, in your body. I want you to be happy and not to talk yourself into 3 children being okay if it isn't. You may regret using this pregnancy to mourn not having pregnancy #4. Just enjoy yourself you will get what you want. I'm not saying have 4 children I'm not saying only have 3 children, I am saying let your heart be full with the children you have!

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Rumour Miller November 21, 2009 at 10:33 pm

A large part of our decision is based on our ages… and my overall health during pregnancy. I have always been "high risk" but this pregnancy takes the cake.

I see an endocrinologist on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I see my OB. I will be having fetal assessments. We are talking about steroids at 28 weeks for baby's lungs since I'm not expected to carry to term.

Many risk factors for us right now and my risks increase the older I get. In a year, I will be considered advanced maternity age…. I'm going to miss pregnancy and newborns, but I think that would be true no matter what.

If we are meant to have four, we will but I think that we truly are "three and done."

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Sam November 25, 2009 at 8:42 pm

I can't tell you how much your post touches my heart. I feel very similar emotions. It's exciting to move past this stage in my life, but I mourn it, too. Instead of putting clothes "away" they go in a garage sale bin. Crazy, wonderful, bittersweet. I hear you!

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