The one where I’m still not ready

by Rumour Miller on December 4, 2010

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I realized the other day that I am starting to feel closure with respect to being 3 and Done.  It wasn’t that long ago that I felt like I would never truly feel done but that I had no choice.  I’m throwing the phone in the ice bucket “And that’s what you call closure” ala Rachel from Friends.

I was talking with a friend who is trying to have a baby and it just hit me.  It was a light bulb moment and I was actually relieved to not have to go through all that again.  No more visits to Heartland.  No more prenatal vitamins.  No more worries about miscarriages.  No more wondering if infertility is going to rear it’s ugly head again.   It was like this huge weight rolled off of my shoulders.

We are truly 3 and Done and I am starting to feel good about it.  This is what our family was meant to be.  The timing certainly wasn’t my own, but I don’t always get to pick and choose.  Sometimes, Someone else really is in charge and the timing turned out to be pretty darn good.  I mean, I have 3 gorgeous Divas who are about 2 years apart.  That is pretty good timing, even if it wasn’t mine nor was it Craig’s.  I am just so ready to be done with infertility. Done. Done. Done.  I couldn’t really be done until I was at peace with not having more children.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels really good. Great in fact.  I am officially closing that chapter of our life and jumping, feet first, into the next.  I’m excited about it.

Oh my heart still lurches when I see a newborn.  Or itty bitty toes.  It still lurches when I hear that cry that only a newborn baby has.  It still lurches when I see a swollen belly.  I think it always will.  It’s pretty hard to resist the Miracle of pregnancy and the wonder of a newborn baby.  The thing is… I started to miss all those things when each of my babes moved out of one stage and on to the next.  I miss the days when Piper was a tiny baby sleeping on my shoulder.  I miss the days when Davilyn and I would rock in the chair in the middle of the night… with no one else around.

So I’m okay with all of this.  The final piece to our family puzzle arrived March 2010 and we are complete.  I don’t have any doubts.  There are no what if’s lurking.  So, I have a question.  I feel done but I’m still not ready to do anything permanent… why is that?

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Heather December 4, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Aww, you say it all so well. My feelings exactly. Very much at peace with my three but every time I see a pregnant belly I have a little twinge of wishing it were me…and when I see a newborn baby I can’t help but want to pick them up, smell them and give them little kisses. I love babies. LOL. <3

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Denise T December 5, 2010 at 9:59 am

Being a Mother – you will always feel something when you see a swollen belly or hear a new born cry but the feeling changes from wishing it were you to remembering how you felt and just being in awe and excited for the person that its happening to. The miracle of new babies, their smell, their sound will always be something to marvel at. My baby will be 20 this summer. It’s been a long time since I had the excitement of an upcoming due date, the fear of the upcoming due date, the excitement and wonder of guessing if I’ll be having a boy or girl, the awe of the holding a newborn baby, kissing the little toes, being amazed at the strength of the grip of such tiny, beautifully shaped fingers and smelling that “baby smell”. I decided shortly after my son was born that two was enough for me. I’ve been ok with it. So no worries. Your ready for the next stage of motherhood – enjoying the growth of those beautiful diva’s of yours!!

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Pauline December 6, 2010 at 8:54 am

Nicole,

I believe that “not doing anything permanent” may not have as much to do with wanting more children as you may think. Could it have to do with feeling like a woman? (PCOS: hair growth feeling more masculine than feminine), Could it have to do with your relationship with Craig, everything could be great with Craig however this is a chapter of a book that is going to be finished with him for good? Could it be the question…what is next? Personally for your heart, for you what is next? What different things would fill that void? The void of being not pregnant and not having a baby. Does it have anything to do with youth and getting older? What does that mean, for you and your relationship? Not saying you should have another or try or that you want another because I do not want to put words in your mouth because it is yours and you know what words should be in it, with that being said when you previously thought that 4 would compete your family, what would that fourth child bring which the other ones do not? Is that wanting a fourth child having to do more with your childhood than your children’s childhood? I really don’t know. I just thought I would ask you a bunch of questions which might trigger something entirely different in you that would answer an inner question which has been nagging at you. Sometimes I just like others to ask a bunch of questions, even if none of them have to do with what I am going through, however sometimes with all the wrong questions you find the right answer within yourself. Pardon me if I was babbling or made no sense!

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