The One Where I Talk About Fear

by Rumour Miller on May 19, 2011

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In the back of my mind there are many things that I am afraid of.  Little things like spiders to big things like losing someone who I love.  Or roller coasters.  Sometimes fear is so irrational and other times, well it just makes perfect sense.

For a long time I was afraid that I would never become pregnant.  For years, I had to face this fear.  Day after day.  I worried it would never happen for us.  What would that do to me?  How would I get over it?

After our first miscarriage, a whole new world of fears opened up for me.  During my pregnancy with Piper, I spent the first part of my pregnancy in fear.  Every twinge or lack of pregnancy symptom scared me.  What was a normal pregnancy?  What were normal symptoms?

During my pregnancies with Piper and Davilyn, I had unexplained bleeding.  Whenever I saw blood, the fear grabbed me and swallowed me whole. 

I was very reluctant to reach out for support during those times.  Aside from Craig, I kept it to myself.  It took me a year into our infertility journey to reach out on message boards and talk to people sharing similar experiences.  It took me a year into our infertility journey before I started blogging and sharing my story with all of you.

So this time, I am not going to wait.  I want to share with you my fear today so that you can show me the kind of support that you always have in the past.  Because, I need it.

It hasn’t been a secret that I have hormones that think for themselves and do their own thing (Hello Infertility!) and the last year has been no different in that regard.  What has been different, though, are the symptoms.  Extremely heavy cycles, mid cycle spotting and bleeding, cramps and back aches.  All of which were controlled when I went on the birth control pill, Alesse.  Then I started having uncontrollable HOT FLASHES.  I would have slept with the window open when it was -40 celsius, if Craig would have let me.

So, on the advice of my Endocrinologist, I stopped taking that birth control pill.  That’s when I started experiencing those other symptoms.  So I went to my family doctor and requested a different birth control pill.  Please help me.  I begged.  I cannot live like this.  Then, when that did not change things, I decided to go and see my OBGYN.  Surely she would have some answers for me.  Right.

She did.  She had some suggestions too.  One of which was to have a biopsy of my cervix to check for cancer.  If I said that this did not scare me, it would be a lie.  If I said that my future did not pass before my eyes, it would be a lie.  Only, it was a future that I wasn’t in.

I pictured a life for Craig without me.  The life of a single father.  How hard that would be for him.  How, he might move closer to his family.  He would need their support.  How, in 15 years, we would not sit together on our couch wondering just when it was that our three baby girls grew up.  He might sit there alone or with a new partner but not me.

I pictured a life for my three girls without me.  First day of school, first boyfriends, first kiss, first heartbreak, high school graduations and adventures to university.  All these things that I did not get to be there for.  I did not get to help them shop for their first car or a wedding gown.  I wasn’t at their weddings.  I did not get to hold their babies and tell them just how proud I was.

I missed it all.

These are my fears, my friends.  Real.  Raw.  Full of emotion.  I am hopeful that the biopsy will be fine and I will get to do and see all these things but I am scared.  So, tomorrow, I will go and face this fear.  I will wait.  Worry.  Wait for the results to come back.  I will pray that everything is fine.  Will you pray too.  I have a lifetime left to live and I am not finished living yet.

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Denise May 19, 2011 at 5:11 pm

I will be praying for you Nicole. I’m glad that you know that you are not alone in this and that you have us here to lean on and your loving family and your wonderfully loving husband. You are not alone with the fear of being taken away from your family before you are ready. You are a strong woman and you will get through this as you have the other trials in your life. I believe that with all my heart. You will be there to kiss your children’s booboos, help them with their homework, and when they are old enough you will be a supportive mother and help them through their heartbreaks and their happiness. You will be there on their graduation days and their wedding days and you will be a very very proud grandmother to your many grandchildren to come. You and Craig will grow old together and the bond that you two share will only strengthen with any of these trials that you will face in the years to come. And you will not be alone as you go through your journey in life.

Danielle W May 19, 2011 at 5:23 pm

This brought a tear my eyes… as a mom, I can relate to these fears.( and being pregnant, everything makes me want to cry! lol) I will be keeping you in my prayers, and praying that everything will turn out just fine!! *Hugs*.

Devan May 19, 2011 at 8:48 pm

huge prayers for you!

Tamara May 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

I can relate to these fears and am glad you decided to share them. You WILL be in my thoughts and prayers, not only for everything to go well but for you to have peace until you have the results of your tests. Let us know how things go. Call any time. Lots of prayers are going your way.

Tracy May 20, 2011 at 7:26 am

praying for you, Nicole!

Rumour Miller May 20, 2011 at 7:47 am

Thank you all. It really does mean so much to us.

Heather L May 20, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Hi Nicole,
We are thinking of you and praying for you! xxxx

leeanne May 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Nicole, I have never left a comment before but felt compelled to do so today. My niece had cervical cancer at age 20 and is now 25 and fine. She even went on to carry another baby after losing part of her cervix. So even if the biopsy isnt ok, there is plenty of hope that it is curable and that you will be around for many, many , MANY more years! I do pray, however, that the biopsy is all clear and good…will be checking back for any news. God Bless you.

Rumour Miller May 20, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Thank you, Everyone. It is a nerve wracking time and the support and positive stories are so helpful. Thank you.

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