In the back of my mind there are many things that I am afraid of. Little things like spiders to big things like losing someone who I love. Or roller coasters. Sometimes fear is so irrational and other times, well it just makes perfect sense.
For a long time I was afraid that I would never become pregnant. For years, I had to face this fear. Day after day. I worried it would never happen for us. What would that do to me? How would I get over it?
After our first miscarriage, a whole new world of fears opened up for me. During my pregnancy with Piper, I spent the first part of my pregnancy in fear. Every twinge or lack of pregnancy symptom scared me. What was a normal pregnancy? What were normal symptoms?
During my pregnancies with Piper and Davilyn, I had unexplained bleeding. Whenever I saw blood, the fear grabbed me and swallowed me whole.
I was very reluctant to reach out for support during those times. Aside from Craig, I kept it to myself. It took me a year into our infertility journey to reach out on message boards and talk to people sharing similar experiences. It took me a year into our infertility journey before I started blogging and sharing my story with all of you.
So this time, I am not going to wait. I want to share with you my fear today so that you can show me the kind of support that you always have in the past. Because, I need it.
It hasn’t been a secret that I have hormones that think for themselves and do their own thing (Hello Infertility!) and the last year has been no different in that regard. What has been different, though, are the symptoms. Extremely heavy cycles, mid cycle spotting and bleeding, cramps and back aches. All of which were controlled when I went on the birth control pill, Alesse. Then I started having uncontrollable HOT FLASHES. I would have slept with the window open when it was -40 celsius, if Craig would have let me.
So, on the advice of my Endocrinologist, I stopped taking that birth control pill. That’s when I started experiencing those other symptoms. So I went to my family doctor and requested a different birth control pill. Please help me. I begged. I cannot live like this. Then, when that did not change things, I decided to go and see my OBGYN. Surely she would have some answers for me. Right.
She did. She had some suggestions too. One of which was to have a biopsy of my cervix to check for cancer. If I said that this did not scare me, it would be a lie. If I said that my future did not pass before my eyes, it would be a lie. Only, it was a future that I wasn’t in.
I pictured a life for Craig without me. The life of a single father. How hard that would be for him. How, he might move closer to his family. He would need their support. How, in 15 years, we would not sit together on our couch wondering just when it was that our three baby girls grew up. He might sit there alone or with a new partner but not me.
I pictured a life for my three girls without me. First day of school, first boyfriends, first kiss, first heartbreak, high school graduations and adventures to university. All these things that I did not get to be there for. I did not get to help them shop for their first car or a wedding gown. I wasn’t at their weddings. I did not get to hold their babies and tell them just how proud I was.
I missed it all.
These are my fears, my friends. Real. Raw. Full of emotion. I am hopeful that the biopsy will be fine and I will get to do and see all these things but I am scared. So, tomorrow, I will go and face this fear. I will wait. Worry. Wait for the results to come back. I will pray that everything is fine. Will you pray too. I have a lifetime left to live and I am not finished living yet.