Rational?

by Rumour Miller on July 19, 2011

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I have this anxiety following me lately.  I am pretty sure that I know why it is there.  With my health issues this past year, it’s no wonder I feel this way.  I have an uncontrollable feeling that something tragic is going to happen in my life.  That I am going to lose someone in my life or they are going to lose me.  I feel as though I have lived a pretty blessed and charmed life.  Don’t get me wrong… we all have our struggles, but once I get passed them, I feel so fortunate.  That it is part of my luck.  After infertility, I was lucky.  I had 3 Divas.  I have many friends who still have not had babies.  So I was the lucky one, right.  My babies were not born sleeping.  Each time, I wondered why my babies came home from the hospital while my sister’s baby did not.

In the back of my mind and at the pit of my stomach, I can’t help but feel that tragedy will find me.

Each time I hear of a tragic event, my anxiety about this increases.  So, it is no surprise that it is on the rise for me right now.  After hearing about my friend’s death. It is at the point where I am considering medication for it.  I have had these issues at three other periods in my life.  Once after my nephew was born sleeping and then during our infertility and following Piper’s birth.  Those times I needed medication to take the edge off.  I am always on the verge of tears right now and truthfully, I don’t like to talk about it.  If I don’t talk about it, I can kinda pretend that it isn’t there.

But it is there.  Rational or not.  I can’t hide from it.

 

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Denise July 19, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Nicole, take heart that you are not alone I too have had the gut wrenching feeling like the other shoe is going to drop, or that something bad is going to happen or the fear that I may lose someone close and dear to me. So far it has never turned out to be an actual premonition but mearly my fear that things were going too good and that something bad is bound to happen. I understand where you are coming from when you say you’ve had your struggles – but you’ve always managed to work through them. You are not a quitter and therefore not working your way through a struggle is not in your makeup. I can relate to your not wanting to discuss it – it makes it that much more “real”. If you ever decide that you need an ear – know that I am a mear stone’s throw away. Hang in there my friend!

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