Do You Know What is Hard

Being a skinny bitch in a chubby body.

So hard.  I know some of you can relate to that. 

I look back at some of my old photos and I can’t believe that when I was at my skinniest (and so not fat), I thought I was.  I was in the best shape of my life when I was in high school and I believed that I wasn’t.  When I think about that time now, I think “holy fack was I out to lunch!”

I wish I could go back to 1992 and have a real, eye-opening conversation with my 16-year-old self.  I would sit myself down, look into my own eyes and this is what I would say.

1.  You are beautiful!

2.  Your smile and even your lazy eye.  You are beautiful.

3.  You are not fat!  You are not fat!  You are not fat!

4.  Nope.  You are not even a little bit fat.

5.  Highschool is fun.  University is too, but your life will begin when you get married and have kids.  Then you will know exactly what all this is for.

6.  Only some of your highschool friendships will last… and that’s okay.  You’ll reconnect with some of those people again around 2007 when you discover Facebook.  This will make you both happy and sad.  Nostalgia at it’s finest.

7.  You are loved and loveable.

8.  You really are funny!

9.  But you are not fat!

You know what else is really hard.  Sharing your goals and your aspirations with others.  It’s hard because of the chance of failure.  Of not achieving your goals or your aspirations.  Not checking things off your bucket list.  Not putting things on your bucket list because you are afraid that you will never check them off.  Anyone else do this?  Come on, jump in the boat with me.

Two years ago, I completed a 6 week Fat Shredder program with the Tyson Method.  I tried to stay with it and stay focused but it was hard.  I found the program very strict.  I tried to join some of the in life boot camps but couldn’t find one that fit into our family schedule.  Then life got in my way and I let that excuse drag me down for two years.  I lost 20 lbs and 20 inches on that program and in the two years since I’ve gained it all back. 

I blamed a cancer scare and then I blamed a dilation and curettage procedure for stopping me from reaching my goals and I kind of just let it all fall to the way side.  I did.  I was still a skinny bitch in a chubby body.  I am a one chined woman wearing a double chined mask.  She’s in there, I know she is.

It’s a strange place to be.  The place where I am.  I don’t look in the mirror and hate myself.  I don’t avoid mirrors or photographs (at least not too much).  I do cringe when I go shopping and can’t find a top to fit me properly.  I do avoid certain stores.  It’s true, but I don’t hate myself or my body even.  I’ve almost accepted this as my fate.  Maybe that’s even more dangerous than hating oneself for it.

I know I’m not at a healthy weight.  I really do want to be at a healthier weight but I also want to have my chicken wings and drink my wine too!  How many of you are sitting there reading this nodding your head?   

Then my friends were reporting on Facebook about how much weight they were losing.  How their results were fast and sweet and maintainable.  I just watched from a distance.  Not saying much but secretly wishing that I could have those same results too.  Knowing that I cannot live my life within the confines of a fucking diet.  There are many things that I am capable of but going gluten-free, eating clean and dieting are not one of those things. 

So, finally.  I asked.  I sent my friend a note and I said, “Tell me.”  And she did.  Then she sent me a few photos and so did another friend of mine.  Before.  After.

And I was inspired.  I felt like I, maybe, might have found a program that I could live on.  Live with.  DO.  I wanted those results.  I want that to be me.  I want that for Craig.  For he too lives a life in a weight that is unhealthy.  I want this change for us.

So when my friends were reporting weight loss of 25 and 30 pounds (one has now reached 40).  I sat back and watched.  I read about the program they were on.  I asked around and found a co-worker who stands by this product.  Who has had success and has shared it with her teenage son. 

Then I groaned about the cost and then I groaned because it was a Multi-level marketing company, which by definition is a marketing strategy in which the sales force is compensated not only for sales they personally generate, but also for the sales of other salespeople they recruit.

I groaned for a good while and while I was groaning my friends were still losing.  I found myself saying, again, “I want that.”  So, I am going after it.  I wish I could show you their inspiring photos but they aren’t mine to share.  Perhaps in good time, my own photos will do that.  Gawd, wish me luck and will power and perseverance. 

I need it because I know that I am still worth it.