The Next Step?

For us will be the Heartland Fertility Clinic in the Peg. I have mixed emotions about this. I am happy and excited that we are being proactive and will move on to the next step in our Trying to Conceive Journey, but I am upset that we have to take that next step to the fertility clinic.

C and I went to yet another Dr. appointment this afternoon. I am on 50 mg of Clomid (and have been since October) in hopes that just one egg will make the trip down the runway to meet one of C’s men. So far we are certain that I am at least doing that. My charts show that I am ovulating and in January we conceived. Unfortunately, if you have read my previous posts, that pregnancy was not viable and alas we are in March and still no sign of baby.

The plan is that I will continue with the clomid and in the meantime we have been referred to the clinic. Due to our partial success in January, I am able to remain on the clomid for a year. I have heard the wait is like 3 – 4 months for the clinic, so if we do not have any success with clomid before our first appointment then we will not have lost any further time.

In the meantime, I go for more blood work. The Lab techs know me by name. I am a regular. Usually in the morning, I sit and wait with all the retired folk, waiting for my turn to sit in the “blood chair”. Yes they actually call it that! Nice. I am required to go for my cycle day 21 progesterone blood work. It measures the amount of progesterone in my blood and will tell us whether or not I ovulated. In August my level was around 3.4 (which is low and indicates annovulation). After my first round with the clomid it jumped up to 119.8 (which is “beautiful” as my Dr. would say). We haven’t checked it since. So we are checking it in a week.

So what then? If it is low, we are increasing the clomid dosage for the remainder of my prescription and if it is high or normal, we stay with 50mg and again “wait and see”.

I don’t know how much harder this journey could be, but I hear the Clinics can be very tough on a person, on a couple, on our finances. I just want to cry and ask Why us? and more importantly Why not us? Why can’t we be parents? Why isn’t God’s plan for us to be parents? We want for nothing but to hold our baby in our arms. That Molson will someday have a toddler to follow around the house and play with in the back yard. That my parents will have a grandbaby to hold and to spoil and love. That my sister will be an Aunt. That C’s parents will hold a grandbaby once again.

Dreams
Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Toss his kid a baseball.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.

~Susan Reardon