Infertile by Choice

by Rumour Miller on May 17, 2011

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It seems so ridiculous that I would be typing a post to share about being Infertile by Choice. It  is certainly not something that I gave much thought to before we became pregnant and had our girls.  It was not until after Davilyn was born and we were talking about having at least one more that we started to discuss permanent methods of birth control.

It wasn’t until after we conceived Quinn that I even thought I could have an unplanned pregnancy. Conceiving her happened almost immediately for us.  Even though I was on metformin (which was the drug that eventually helped us to conceive), we started to think that an unplanned pregnancy was a possibility for us.  We talked about being done after having 3 children.  We agreed that we were done after three children.  So, it just seemed that we should be responsible and discuss a permanent method of birth control.  Craig thought it was a great idea.  I was not completely sold, but I knew it would be for the best.

I am really happy with having 3 Divas and there are still days that I really want just one more.  Only, I’m not sure if it is actually a desire for another child or if I am having difficulty letting go of our fertility and our baby days.

So, Craig made an appointment for a vasectomy and I was all like, “OH HELL NO!”  So we really started talking about it and I would casually slip in, “Let’s have another baby” into our daily conversation.  You know, to see if he would change his mind.  He was steadfast in his decision and it was okay with me.  I won’t lie, if he would have said yes, we would be having baby number 4.  I had quite some time to adjust to our decision to take permanent measures and really close the book on this chapter of our lives.

You know what?  I was still sad.  On the day of Craig’s procedure, I was sad.  Even now, days after, I am sad about it.  I did not get that overwhelming sense of being done, like many of you speak of.  Craig gave a little when I asked for another baby after Davilyn.  Now it is my turn to give a little when he tells me he is done.  I am okay with the decision that we have made but I am still sad about it, for now.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

DodiM May 17, 2011 at 11:25 am

Oh my friend, I cried and cried the day my husband had his “procedure” done. You are not alone – I still sometimes yearn for just one more. Had we not started so late in life I am sure I would have had a third, maybe a fourth. Hugs to you!
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Sharyn May 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I think I felt similarly when I gave away baby things. This weekend is my son’s 14th birthday and I always get nostalgic around this time of year. I’m not sure I’ll ever completely move beyond it, but it’s okay. i have two wonderful kids to be thankful for. But I understand your sadness.
Sharyn recently posted..Outsmarting Our Kids While We Can

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Rumour Miller May 18, 2011 at 7:48 am

When I first started to give away the itty bitty baby things, I was very sad. Now, I just give it.

It’s always nice to hear that one is not alone in their “misery”, right.

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Kir May 18, 2011 at 12:58 pm

it’s the “IDEA” of not being able to get PG I can’t get past. I would love for John to have this done, but every single time I think about it, I get an absolute craving for the little girl I know we’re not going to have. It cuts me deep down and it really shouldn’t…we are too old to be thinking of having another child for God’s Sake, but because of the infertility I think I will always wonder about what “could have been” if we were able to have sex and get PG like normal people in the timeline we had talked about.

I completely understand. **HUGS**
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Amber May 18, 2011 at 2:20 pm

HUGS I cried the day Jon had his done too. And he did it to save ME so that I could be here for the kids that we already have. I knew it had to be done, and it was hard to get over. It took me just over 2 years to deal with my broken heart. But now I can see the nice things about being done with pregnancy and childbirth, and when I feel good about it, I consciously make an effort to LOVE it. 🙂

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Heather L May 20, 2011 at 12:55 pm

wow Nicole I am blogging you twice in one day!
All I can say is thank goodness for you and my sisters who let me hold and feed your babies, if I found out I was pregnant today it would be the best gift! For something we both wanted, after it was final I only had regret. Thank goodness I will have two babies by September!!

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